Distance
by xenowriter
Summary: A gift fic for a friend :) A Femshep X Kaidan fic. Kaidan is torn knowing that Jane Shepard is working with Cerberus. Now she's back on Earth for her trial. Will this hinder feelings for her?


Distance

Gift for Johanna Skrip

2183 CE, Eden Prime Alliance Outpost

Kaidan wiped the beads of sweat off his face as he reached their encampment from his afternoon jog. The sun from Eden Prime was still beating down on him and he felt his dog tags sticking to the skin of his chest. His muscles felt like they were on fire after the ten mile jog, and his heart was beating rapidly in his chest. He panted loudly as he walked over the water dispenser. The cool liquid refreshed his body. He heard birdlike creatures off in the distance squawking away. Not the same as Earth birds, but still gave him a since of home. His brown eyes panned over the horizon. Eden Prime. Never thought he would step his combat boots back down on this place again. Hard to imagine that just where he was standing that years ago it was covered with dead bodies of colonists that were savagely attacked by Geth. Geth that blindly followed Saren Arterius. The former Turian Spectre. The day the Normandy was called in to render aid was the first real mission he had with Jane Shepard. A Spectre candidate herself, top of her N7 class and under review by Nihlus. Another former Turian Spectre. Her jade color green eyes were filled with determination as she led her team of him and Jenkins through the colony to find out what provoked the attack. Sadly, Jenkins was killed in the line of duty that day. That didn't shake Jane's confidence that they were going to stop the attack. She assured Kaidan that they would avenge his death and killed off the remaining forces but lost Saren. He managed to escape to safety.

However, they learned that the Turian was after a beacon that was unearthed at the colony. A beacon that somehow did some crazy shit to Jane when she got too close to it. It imprinted images in her brain. Images that no human should witness, but unlocking a galaxy mystery that included ancient sentient machine beings called the Reapers. The Reapers had some sort of weird 50,000 years cycle to where they would return and wipe out all life forms. The first victims that they learned were the Protheans. As they followed Saren's tracks and attempted to thwart him at every turn, Kaidan became closer with Jane. Something about her…even though she was his superior officer, he wanted it to be more. The way she looked at him. The way she smelled. It sounded pretty farfetched and almost like some perverted role playing sexual game. It didn't matter. One day, he took the chance when he noticed that she was coming around more often to see him on the Normandy in between missions. He called her on it and she admitted that she developed some feelings too for him. She wanted to spend more time with him, but not just on the battlefield. It was hard for her to suppress what she felt even though she had keep it professional. Though there was no reprimands for fraternization among crewmembers. The Alliance never really spelled out if it was between different ranking officers. She warned him that if they started something, it wouldn't give him any special treatment.

Then the moment that they were going to hit Ilos and possibly be at the point of no return, she called him to her quarters. There, the two confessed whatever feelings they had were much more. She expressed first that she loved him and feared for what may happen to him down the road. She wanted to remain focused but she wanted to tell him. The openness of her made him love her even more. That night in her bed, the two consummated their feelings. Like squadmates, they anticipated each other's moves and the foreplay was more like a competition as to who would win at beating the other. The things she did to him exhilarated him. No woman he had been with in prior years made him feel that way.

Sadly, like all good things, it came to an end. Much shorter than he hoped. It wasn't a way he expected his relationship with Jane to end. If you call it, 'ending.' After their victory against Saren, the Normandy was sent out by Admiral Hackett to take out the remaining pockets of Geth. Despite not having their leader, the Geth were deemed still hostile and an extreme danger to Alliance and non-Alliance humans. In between the incursions, the Normandy was blindly attacked by an unknown vessel. Kaidan never seen anything like it! Whatever weapon it had, it shredded the Normandy's outer hull like a knife going through butter. Fires broke out and pieces of the ship were breaking off. The vacuum of space consumed some unlucky Alliance officers who were on the wrong part of the ship. Kaidan's first mission was to get Jane off the ship and to safety. Jane, had another plan. Joker, their pilot, was determined not to let the Normandy be destroyed and wanted to do everything he could to keep the ship intact and out of harm's hands. Jane told Kaidan to head out with Liara and the others to the escape pods. She would secure Joker first. Kaidan tried to argue against it, but he knew her mind was made up. Even with her helmet on, he could see the determination setting in. Her jaw would have been clenched, her lips pursed. The same look in her eyes as they were on Eden Prime. He had to let her go.

That was the last time he saw her. Once they left in the pod, there was no communication between them and the Normandy until they came to the programmed landing area. Several pods landed there and Joker was amongst inside one of them. He practically crawled out, ignoring whatever pain he was in to get over to Kaidan and the others. The look of complete terror and fear plagued his face. He never saw Joker this way. The inevitable was learned that day. Jane Shepard, the first human Spectre was killed and lost out in space. Joker saw the attacking ship honing on their location and breaking the Normandy further apart just as the pod door closed .He was lucky himself to escape.

2185 CE Vancouver, BC

For two years, Kaidan went into mourning. Two long, hard years. For months, he was placed on required shore leave because he just couldn't step onto another ship. He locked himself in his old apartment at Vancouver and sat many nights on his balcony looking out the sky. He couldn't remember how many beers he drank sometimes. No alcohol could quench the disharmony he had in his heart. He severed all contact with the previous crew members that survived. He didn't want to remember. He wanted to forget. Then one day he got the most unexpected call. It was from Councilor Anderson. He wanted Kaidan to meet him on the Citadel. It was urgent. Anderson, the one man, which he really didn't want to see. The man that introduced Jane to him years ago on the Normandy when she first set foot on the historic vessel.

Despite, his inner pleading to ignore the request, Kaidan put on his dress blues and booked a transport to the Citadel. The station had rebuilt since Saren's attack and a lot of places he didn't recognize. Vendors had upgraded and new businesses were coming in. It seemed in fact that the place was becoming more prosperous. David Anderson was in his office when Alenko walked in. He was poised at his desk in deep thought. His lips smiled wryly up at his former crewmate. A grave expression dawned his face. Word came to him that Jane Shepard was alive. David couldn't believe it himself, but one thing didn't make sense. She was working for Cerberus. The known pro-human terrorist group funded by a man called the Illusive Man. A Cerberus agent somehow infiltrated the Citadel a few days shortly and brought the councilor the news directly. That also didn't make any sense. It was like they wanted him to know. The agent wouldn't answer any questions and left just moments after his arrival. If Jane was alive, why didn't she call him instead?

The mention of Cerberus angered Kaidan. This had to be some sadistic joke. He knew Jane. He knew what she stood for and how she conversed among the people they came across. There was no mention of any love this group. Why would she go with them? Against everything the Alliance stood for?

This infuriated Kaidan. He wanted answers. He wanted to know her location. He wanted to meet with her. If it was in fact her. Anderson was against the whole idea of contacting Cerberus yet. This had to be a ploy. Some reason why they wanted this information back to him. If they wanted something, he wasn't going to give it to them. He knew Jane too. If she was alive, she would find her way back to the Citadel and to him. Anderson told Kaidan that he was going to send a request to Admiral Hackett of the 5th fleet to reinstate him back into the Alliance. There was a new colony on Horizon and he wanted Kaidan there to assist in building up their defenses. Lately human colonies were going dark. Colonists mysteriously missing. His door was being knocked on daily with unrest from the masses on the Citadel. People were furious that their loved ones were gone and they wanted answers. His assistant, Udina, managed to use his _political_ charm to douse the fires so far. Anderson wanted someone he could trust. Someone that could give him intel.

The reassignment was unexpected to Alenko, but he knew he couldn't refuse his old CO. He trusted David and maybe the busy work would keep his mind occupied. Though the nagging idea of Jane working with Cerberus wouldn't go away.

2186 CE San Francisco, CA

Kaidan sighed hard as he stared at his reflection in the window. His dark eyes swept over the bay. His entire life lately felt like it was in a whirlwind. Months ago, Jane arrived at Horizon. Luckily, saved him and some of the colonists from being taken by the Collectors. She was equipped heavily and joined by two unknown Cerberus operatives: A female and male. Her stance and form were the same, but her company was not. No markings of the Alliance. Just Cerberus emblems. Was this the side she chose? Her dark red short hair all too familiar. He remembered running his fingertips through it during the night of their lovemaking right before Ilos. The same deep green eyes stared hard at him. There seemed to be a barrier that blocked her from him. Some invisible demon holding her back. Not once did she reiterate her love to him. Not once did she say that she missed him. Instead, she repeatedly defended her joining with Cerberus and went on about how she was trying to save the missing colonists from the Collectors. The mission. This felt like some great blow to him. Like Cerberus managed to attack him without laying a single hand on his body. Her presence just taunted him. For years after her passing, he wanted her alive. He wanted to hold her once again and see her. But not like this.

Her mind was made up. She chose Cerberus and wanted him to do the same. Did she really know him? If she did, she wouldn't even bothered asking. He knew where his duties were and it wasn't to a terrorist group. He walked away.

Now he was at the Alliance headquarters in San Francisco awaiting the trial of Jane Shepard. Reports came in that she was responsible for the destruction of a mass relay in the Aratoht system. The backlash from the attack wiped out thousands of Batarians. The already rocky relationship between humans and Batarians was on pins and needles. The Batarian hegemony wanted blood and to start it off, they wanted Jane's.

David Anderson cleared his throat as he took up Alenko's side at the window. "Beautiful day." His dark eyes looked out to see the sun's reflection bouncing off the water.

"Yeah," Alenko sighed again. He really heard bits and pieces of the attack. Was this another Cerberus attack? Why would Jane do this? Didn't she know what kind of retaliation this would cause? His mind drowned in questions. Questions he knew the man beside him couldn't really answers, but he wanted to certainly try. He turned his clean shaven face to look at David. "Why did she do it?" He almost chocked on the question.

Anderson never moved his eyes and he stood straighter. "You know I can't give you my opinion. Not while the investigation and hearing is ongoing. As Udina calls it, this is one 'political shitstorm.' One I don't want to be in right now."

"Yeah…." Alenko chuckled lightly. "I can understand that. I have seen the vids. Batarians are attacking colonists out in the Terminus systems. Several of my buddies were called off to handle." He then turned more to finally take notice that Anderson was dressing more in Alliance attire than his usually diplomatic fashion.

David took note. "I stepped down from being a councilor on the Citadel. I gave it up to Udina," he explained. "I don't know why Jane did what she did, but I trust her. She knows I have her side. I rejoined the Alliance." He paused. "Just never thought they would take an old man like me back."

Kaidan grinned. "You are still my captain in my eyes, sir."

"Just stay focused. Whatever happens." Anderson took a loud deep breath and squared back his shoulders. "It's almost time. I have to escort Jane to the hearing. James is just down the hall. If you want, you can meet us just outside the doors. Thought, you may like to see her again."

Alenko moved to follow ranking officer towards James' meeting point. "This James Vega. I don't recognize the name."

"Good kid. Picked him up from Omega. Been through some tough shit with the Collectors. I asked him to guard Jane until the hearing."

Kaidan stopped. "Omega, sir?"

A smile as best as it could spread across Anderson's lips. "What? Your old CO can't go to places like that?"

James matched Alenko's step along the way. The muscular young marine with a square jaw kept his eyes dead ahead as the two walked up the steps. This guy wasn't much of a talker. Wasn't too sure still on how Anderson picked him up? Why was this guy even on Omega in the first place?

Right near the doors to the admiralty board, Kaidan saw David escorting Jane. She was out of armor and more in casual attire. Her appearance still hadn't change since he last saw her on Horizon. "Shepard?" His mouth almost felt parched as he spoke out her name.

She turned around and looked at him. Her green eyes stared right at him, almost puzzled on his attendance. David cleared his throat. "Good to see you made it, Kaidan."

"Kaidan…" Jane looked at him softly. There was hesitation to her as if she wasn't too sure on how to speak to him. What happened to her after the attack on the Normandy? He wanted the old Jane back.

"Come on. The admirals are waiting for us," Anderson returned to the task at hand and motioned Jane to follow him through the double doors.

James walked up to Kaidan's side. "You use to know the Commander?" He seemed impressed.

Kaidan shook his head as he stared dumbfounded at the doors ahead. "I use to…"

"It's going to be hours. I haven't had lunch yet. Want to head down to the cafeteria and see what we can muster up?" The young marine offered.

"Uh, yeah sure…" Kaidan let his eyes linger on the doors. He wanted to be inside. He wanted to know what she would say to the accusations. Would she admit to her involvement with Cerberus? Would she defend their cause? He had to trust Captain Anderson. He did before. At least that was one person who didn't change.

James led him into the elevator and within seconds he felt the lift descending quickly. "You believe the rumors?"

"Hmmm?"

"That crazy shit about the Reapers. I mean the Collectors were one thing but word is that Shepard says these machines are coming. That they were working with the Collectors."

Kaidan's mind flashed to the attack on the Citadel years ago. Geth stalking the streets and then Sovereign. "I…I don't know what really to think."

Minutes later, the elevator doors opened and James stepped out first. He sniffed the air and exhaled happily. "Won't be as good as back home. But it will do."

Just as he finished speaking, several loud explosions were heard outside. The building shook violently. The lights flickered and alarms blared. People were panicking. Before anyone could have time to assess the situation, more explosions rocked the streets. Hearing a rumbling above, Kaidan's eyes went wide as he saw a steel beam careening down through the ceiling. "Look out!" He pushed Vega to the side with him just as the debris smashed into the floor where the marine previously had been standing.

"What the fuck is going on?!" James covered his head as pieces of the ceiling were falling everywhere.

Kaidan strained his head upwards to look out across the main window to see the unthinkable. There in the middle of the city between several skyscrapers was a Reaper! Its deadly red laser was slicing through the structures like they were nothing. People were running in a panic outside. Some were covered in blood and dust. "This can't be good…"

James followed his gaze and his eyes went wide. "You got to be fuckin' kiddin' me?!"

"We need to get to Jane!" Springing to his feet, Alenko darted to the lift but saw that it was not working. The stairway was blocked. Yelling out in aggravation, he looked around. "Think. Damnit." He then pulled out his omni tool and reached out to Jeff Moreau, the former Normandy pilot. He heard even with the Normandy impounded, Joker never really left its side. "Joker! This is Kaidan! Are you there?!"

Moments later, the familiar voice came back. " _Kaidan! Oh man! I'm glad it's you! I was about to call you! Did you see this crazy shit out here?! Shepard! She was right!"_ A sound of an explosion was near the pilot that disrupted their call some. " _What the shit?!_ "

"Calm down, Joker. Can you get to the Normandy?" Alenko tried to remain calm as he watches James head to the door. He began to follow him with his omni still pulled up.

" _Let me see-yeah. The guards left after the sons of bitches attacked. Anderson never revoked my access. Some of the crew is still hanging around. I'll get this baby fired up!"_ Kaidan heard the pilot grunt as he moved about.

"Stay on comm and don't lift off until I give the word."

The fight to the docking area where the Normandy was a grim reminder of reality. Husks poured into the streets and were attacking people. Cannibals lumbered in. Their bulbous grotesque forms were alien to Alenko. James was itchy on the trigger finger from the looks of both and plowed into them with the disruptor ammo from his assault rifle. "What the hell are those things?"

"These things are called husks!" Kaidan shot one in the head as it was jumping towards a stranded woman. "These guys," He turned to see a sickening scene of a Cannibal devouring what was left of a body, "I have no clue."

James picked the cannibal off with the rest of his clip. "Look like Batarians."

The sickening feeling hit the bottom of Alenko's stomach. He knew that the Geth turned humans into husks and the Geth worked for Sovereign. Did the Batarians fall to the same fate? He shook his head to clear his thoughts and pushed ahead. There were so many casualties that he felt helpless trying to save as most as he could. The Normandy's welcoming sight was drawing closer. He had to make it.

"Engines are ready. I'm not leaving Shepard. She stayed for me last time," Joker's stubborn face greeted them at the loading door.

"No way we are leaving her or Anderson," Alenko holstered his rifle and looked around. The familiar sight of the Normandy controls reminded him of old times. He almost felt like years ago. "Keep all communication open. We need to get through."

"Everything is scrambled. It's like those Reapers are putting in the interference," Joker limped towards his pilot's chair. "EDI has been working on fixing it."

"EDI?" Alenko scratched his head.

"I'll explain later," Joker settled back down.

James was pacing back and forth just outside the door. "We can't just sit here like this! People are dying out there!"

"I know that!" Alenko shouted back at him. He bit his tongue. He had to give Jane time to get to them. He tried to mentally block out the sounds of those in trouble outside.

"I'm picking up something!" Joker's voice brought a calm to the storm. He scrunched his face and sat up straighter in his chair as if that mattered. "This is Joker. Go ahead."

" _This is Anderson. I have Shepard. We are pinned down by Reaper forces! We need an evac! I'm sending you my nav point_." To be in the fray, the man on the other end was very collective. His voice was focused to the task. Gunfire and shouting could be heard in the background. A few seconds later, a chime came in through the navigational system. Joker brought up the HUD interface and locked in.

"Gotcha you, sir. Hang tight." He pulled down the bill of his ball cap and stuck the tongue out of his mouth in deep concentration as his fingertips danced over the controls. "EDI, do system check now. I have the helm."

" _Understood, Jeff_ ," The AI responded.

The Normandy's engines were coming to life and Kaidan looked out the window to see the ship debarking from the dock. The movement made him exhale loudly. He didn't know where ahead Jane was, but he was coming to her. All the turmoil that troubled him since their reunion on Horizon was on the backburner for now. As much as he was hurt, he didn't want anything to happen to her. Hell, he still loved her.

Without a word, he moved to head down to the hangar door. He had to give Jane and Anderson cover fire. He held against the wall as he felt the Normandy maneuver to take evasive action sharply. Apparently, the Reapers must have noticed the ship's movements. They had to make this quick. The ship was a big easy target.

" _We are here! I see them_!" Jeff's voice came over the intercom just as Kaidan made it to the doors.

"Roger!" Kaidan punched the door control with his fist and saw the glimpse of light as the ramp lowered. Arming his Avenger assault rifle, he stepped down on the ramp and saw Jane running right at him. Her green eyes met his and they never left him. Kaidan diverted his attention over to a few cannibals that lifted up to take a few shots. He sidestepped and aimed the rifle quickly, unleashing a barrage of incideniary ammo. The cannibals wailed loudly as their flesh caught on fire. They moved about trying to douse themselves out. Jane was at him within seconds later and he reached out to grab her hand. He pulled her close and protectively moved around her. "Good to have you on board, mam." He gave a weak smile.

Jane returned the same. "Thanks, Kaidan." His name made him think back to all the conversations they had on the Normandy SR-1 when they were hunting down Saren. She then turned to look back down at her friend and noticed that he was stopped right outside the ramp door. A torn look filled his face. "Come on!"

Anderson's jaw tightened and he looked around. Kaidan knew that look. He seen it before years ago with his former Captain. He was not coming. The Reapers were ripping everything in their wake and the casualty count would be off the chart. Earth was not ready. How could the Alliance defend against them like this? He feared for the safety of his colleagues down below. He feared for David Anderson. The look of the woman's face beside him showed that she too was on the same side as he. They couldn't leave the captain down there. She tried to get him to change his mind, but he knew it was his duty to stay and fight. Shepard needed to go and get the council's help. The other species had to supply aid if they were going to win this fight. He being there would not matter. The Alliance was counting on him for wisdom. After the two said their goodbyes, the Normandy lifted off and he saw Anderson scurrying through the debris below to seek shelter until he could find a way to join up with the remainder of the soldiers. Jane remained quiet as she walked inside the Normandy. He knew that the task to get the council onboard was going to be a chore. They didn't believe her the first time about her evidence against Saren. He was there when Saren denied the allegations. He was there when they were against her becoming the first human Spectre. Throughout the tribulations, she succeeded and she was right. Right about everything. Since then he followed her lead without question.

Finally, he was back on her team and in an Alliance vessel not Cerberus. But she didn't address him. Hell, she walked towards elevator as if he wasn't there. This frustrated Kaidan. He needed to know a sure answer. The ride to Council space was going to be long despite the use of the relay. There was time to talk and he needed all the time he could get to clear the air. "Jane, let's talk."

Jane paused at the elevator door and sighed. "Kaidan, not now."

"Then when?" His voice rose. "Did nothing matter between us?" She still wouldn't look his way. Her posture tense. There was no reply. "Okay, that's all I needed to know, _Commander_ ," his words were sharp.

Kaidan was oblivious to the fact that James had followed him down earlier and was standing off to the side, witnessing the entire exchange. "Hey, lighten up, man. We picked up Shepard from an intense fight. It had to be rough on her."

"Lay off, Vega." Kaidan snapped. Though, he knew the young marine was right.

James glared hard at him, but then bit his tongue to rebuttal. He looked over at Jane. "So what's the plan now?"

"I need to get to the Citadel." Jane moved over to her locker to get her armor.

"We're leaving?!" James' jaw dropped. He stormed after her angrily. "What the hell do you mean? We can't leave our men down there! What about Anderson?"

Jane turned on her heel to address him. "That was a _direct_ order from Admiral Anderson. He's right. We can't do much good here."

James stomped over to his workbench and grumbled profanity under his breath. Kaidan watched Jane begin to get undress to slip on her armor. He felt guilty just standing there, but his body ached for her. His brown eyes slipped over the soft skin of her bare back and arms. He remembered the way she felt as he caressed her waist. Her scent. The way his hot breath felt on his face as he kissed her neck. Her movements were methodical. She was quite aware of his presence and he knew she realized that he was probably gawking at her body. He was hoping for some type of tease from her, but there was none. Duty called and the assignment was first in her mind. It always had been. It drove a wedge between their relationship, and yet he knew that he loved her. He always would.


End file.
